Ask The Expert: Paper Slicers as Weapons

So, since my friends know that I am a crazy zombie enthusiast a few sometimes make posts on Facebook and tag me with zombie videos, awesome zombie weapons, and sometimes even ask questions.

Today’s question comes from R.P.  He asks:

Am I the only one that wonders how good of a weapon a paper slicer would be in a zombie apocolypse?

Let me consult an expert.

Jessica (tagged me on facebook.)

My response:

Sadly, I believe that it would be a bad weapon. Obviously you would want to detach the blade from the rest of the tool. However, though that blade cuts paper pretty well, if you have a good look at it, it is not usually very sharp. The cutting aspect comes from both pieces of metal grinding on each other, like scissors. So, you are left with a piece of plastic with a flimsy piece of metal whose “sharp” edge has a bunch of outcroppings to make it safe for mindless office workers.

You are better off with a table leg.

il_570xN.358903161_fwwaThough, I did forget about the old-ass wooden ones. Those might actually be good. The slicing blade is never super sharp, and since it is not made as a combat weapon, it may break with a few uses. I would reccommend that, if you have one of the old wooden ones, sharpening the blade after detaching it from the rest of the tool, and smashing it against a wall a few times to be sure it won’t just give out on you after one zombie. Those things might be pretty scary as a weapon.

However! Then we get into distance. Those things usually are only about 2 feet long. I want my zombies at the other end of a baseball bat.

Thank you for your interest, R.!  I hope this helped!  If you disagree, or have any other insight into this particular tool, let me know in the comments!

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Zombie Prep Tip Of The Day: Clean Your Car

This is not my car: my car has more baseball bats and ducttape.

This is not my car: my car has more baseball bats and ducttape.

I am seriously considering taking a picture of my car right now and showing what a HORRIBLE example I am setting.  This is one that I really need to adhere to, but I don’t know that I ever will.

Messy cars make you less likely to be able to transport your friends and family in an emergency.  Look at your car and ask yourself: can every member of my household fit themselves and maybe one emergency bag in this?  If the answer is no, then you are not ready for an emergency.

If you have to pause to take 5 to 10 minutes to sweep a bunch of crap out of your car, then that tornado has caught your messy self.  The zombies will be chewing on you pretty fast as well.

While you may think that you will have time to empty the junk from your trunk (ha!), especially if you have help, those are still minutes wasted that you could be using to run the heck away.

Clean your car and then see if you have everything necessary for a survival situation neatly packed in a bag in the trunk.

This should give you a minor edge in a zombie apocalypse situation, as well as making your car less disgusting for a friend or prospective hottie to want to get into.


Boarding Up Your House

So the zombie apocalypse is at hand and you are scrambling about to get all of your supplies in order.  Just when you think that you have everything together a zombie bursts through your window and you are dead.

game overNo restarts in the real world…  Luckily, this is all hypothetical, so we can go back and assess what you have done wrong.

You didn’t board up your windows!

Realistically, you want to board up all of the entrances and exits to your home in the case of a zombie emergency.  Depending on the style of zombies, you can get away with only boarding everything on ground level up.  If your zombies aren’t rabidly crawling up the sides of your house, and are the more peace loving ground-shufflers: it is probably safe to just board up everything within arms reach of the ground.

Now, there are a few ways that you can go about boarding up your house, and some of them actually have pretty good, real-world applications.

Nails and Whatever Is Lying Around

nailIf you are going for the quick route, and have nothing planned in advance, nails, a hammer, and whatever heavy boarding is at hand are going to be your best options.  You can rip doors off of closets in your home, boards out of the attic flooring, or even shelving and cabinet doors will do in a pinch.  These are all luxury items when it comes to zombie time.  Make sure that, because this is a zombie situation, you hammer your nails in at angles, making the boards harder to pull out.  Be sure that you secure the boards into studs in the walls.  I would recommend, if you are living in a house with molding around the windows, that you take the molding OUT first, and then hammer in your boards.  Molding is usually held together by small nails and are often made of pretty flimsy wood.

Plan Ahead: Indoor Plywood

VanGogh-starry_night_ballance1

My hurricane boards will have CLASS.

If you have the time, money, or inclination, you should take some time to cut boards for your windows.  For real world applications!  Have pre-cut boards stored somewhere, and be sure to label them so that you know which windows they go over.  This way, in case of zombies, or hurricanes, you have the boards prepared ahead of time.  These you would want to pre-drill holes for screws, so that you can take them down when the hurricane is over.  This is  fairly useful planning for anyone living where high winds or huge storms could occasionally be a problem.  It is also useful in case riots ever break out in your city, or any disaster occurs where you don’t want broken glass sailing into your living room.

If you have time to board up the outside of your windows, by all means, do so!  If the zombies are still fairly far out, this will not take much time, and will prevent zombies or hoodlums breaking your windows.

This is what I recommend if you do not have a lot of money to put into really high-tech window protection.  It means that, somewhere in your home, you have boards that will go neatly over your windows in case of a storm.  Heck, if you want, you can make an afternoon of having the kids paint the plywood.  They can make pretty designs on the outside, or even just paint it to match the house.  Then, when everyone on your block has ugly boards over their windows, yours will look awesome.

Plan Ahead: Shutters

If you are in an area that has a LOT of storms, you might want to invest in shutters.  You can make or install pretty sturdy shutters on the outside of your windows that lock from the inside, thus ensuring that your glass windows will not only stand up to a storm, but take a pretty heavy beating from the zombie hordes.

These can open and latch back for good weather and zero zombies, and they can make a pretty addition to your house.  Then, when the rioting over the latest poor football scores start, you just pull your shutters in and let hoodlums set fire to your car instead of smashing your windows.

You can make frames to go around your windows, if you don’t want the shutters for some reason, and firmly secure them down.  Make one side detachable so that you can slide a piece of plywood into pre-cut grooves, and then reattach the side.  Viola!  Plywood without all of that drilling/hammering hassle.  I still think that if you are going to go through this effort, though, you may as well have shutters.

When You Hit The Road

When you leave your house to move to a more defensible location, there is no real harm in taking 10 extra minutes to board up the doors on the way out.  Make sure your house is completely sealed behind you, so that it is an unsavory target for squatters (they want houses that are easy for them to access) and leave a message on the entrances that explains that you plan on coming back to your home. This way, should the zombie menace be eradicated, you might not have to worry about chasing some yokels out of your house when you get back to it.


Returning Home: The Danger in the Familiar

In a sort of honor of my coming back to writing, I want to talk about the possibility of returning home in a zombie survival situation.  (Coming home, coming back to writing… IT MAKES SENSE, DAMNIT!)

My first suggestion is to simply avoid doing so.  If you have moved on to a safe haven, what reason other than nostalgia do you have to return home?

If you are returning home to retrieve something, you need to stop and think about how important this thing is really going to be.  Movies give us a really skewed idea of what kind of things are important, and how much you should risk to get them.  I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, but it is not worth your life to go home and get a picture of them in the middle of zombie-land.  No teddy bear is so devastatingly important that a four year old won’t get over never seeing it again.  Indiana Jones is a poor role-model when it comes to the important things in life: who really wants to risk their hand for a stupid hat?

If you truly must go back home, you should do so with the utmost caution.  I know that the usual method of behavior in a zombie apocalypse is extreme caution, but you must go above and beyond in this case.  You are going someplace where you felt safe and comfortable for years.  This means that you are going to let your guard down.  Not on purpose, but it will happen.  You must assume that, because it is your house, there are going to be 10 times the zombies, hiding in closets, waiting to eat your liver.

Your home is where you are going to feel the most safe.  It is what is most familiar and therefore will be the most comfortable; and the most dangerous.  My best advice is to have someone come with you who has no clue what your home is like.  This way they can be on the lookout while you are wallowing in sorrow for your once bright and cheery home.

Wow.  That was dark.  LOOK AT THIS KITTEN!kitten

Anyway.  In the event of zombies or some huge disaster, when you leave your home, try and remember to bring proof of ownership with you when you go.  I know that this sounds really weird, and it seems like it should be the last thing on your mind, but if you have the time: prepare for the future.  Prepare for the day when the military finally wipes out the zombie menace.  (Or the tornadoes die down, the floods recede, Godzilla is vanquished, or the *insert current hated foreign nationals* are chased back to their holes.)  If there happens to be any dispute when people are returning to their homes, you will have the proof you need to quietly and peaceably settle back into your house.

This has been my short intro to get myself back into the swing of zombies!  I hope you enjoyed it!


Guess Who’s Back?

guess whos backMe!

Maybe…

So, I have been missing from my favorite pet blog for some time.  Life kind of got in the way!  I bought a business, am buying a house, switched jobs, and have two LARPs to run.  My blogging about zombies and disaster prep sort of fell to the wayside.

I want to be able to write more often, especially since it is pretty good stress relief, all things considered.  Besides, I have checked back on my blog here and it looks like it has been getting quite a few hits!  I was surprised, actually.  I figured when I stopped writing regularly, my friends would stop going to the page, and it would go back to having zero hits a day!  So, thank you to anyone who has meandered past the site and checked out my stuff.  It made me smile a LOT!

ON TO THE ZOMBIES!

 


Guinea Pigs

This is her Guinea Pig...  Mmmmm, tasty?

This is her Guinea Pig… Mmmmm, tasty?

A friend of mine recently sent me a bunch of great information on the subject of a useful food source for the Zombie Apocalypse: Guinea Pigs!  Who knew?

Well, apparently Allison did.

She sent me a great outline on the subject of Guinea Pigs, which I shall include at the end of this post.  The gist of it is that Guinea Pigs (I have mistyped the name every time) are easy to transport, social creatures.  They are easy to feed, do not take much work to upkeep, reproduce quickly, and apparently taste like dark meat, with very low fat, high protein meat.

Their cages can be stacked, condo style, so that you can have a LOT in one room.  Just, you know, make sure that room gets fresh air, because in my experience, hamsters and other such small pets smell up an enclosed room if they are left for too long.

So, get yourself some Guinea Pigs as an indoor pet, just in case of zombies.  But maybe name them Lunch, Breakfast, and Dinner, so you don’t get too attached.  Something tells me, by the picture Allison took of her pet, that she won’t be able to bring herself to eat it.

Guinea Pigs as a alternative meat source

  • Guinea Pigs are easy to transport

o   Small, lightweight (5lbs max)

o   Social creatures can be kept together in large pens without worry for fighting

  • Guinea Pigs are easy to feed

o   Eat fruits vegetables and grass, nothing we won’t already grow anyway, and relatively small amounts of food are needed to sustain them

  • Guinea Pigs reproduce Quickly

o   Females ovulate every 2 weeks and carry their young for 60 days

o   Produce an average of 3 offspring per litter, but can be as many as 8

  • Require little space, time, effort

o   Cages can be stacked condo style enabling more guinea pigs to fit in a single place

o   Only requirements are fresh food and water and changing litter once every few days

  • High in protein low in fat (supposedly like dark meat from chicken)
  • Small furs can be used for gloves or other small projects

Romeo and Juli… Er… Warm Bodies

wmbodOk, this review is a week late, but it has been a hectic week! Gentlemen, take your girls to see this movie on Valentine’s Day.

As long as you go into the movie knowing that the “zombies” is less a medical condition and more caused by something that can be solved by love, you should love the movie as much as I did.  It was fun, funny, and the one-liners/delivery of said one-liners was amazing.

If you go in wanting a 28 Days Later style of explainable zombie condition, don’t go.  Your grumpyness will only upset those around you.  😀

I loved this movie.  I found it to be very entertaining, and satisfied my inner girl, as it was a really cute love story. However, I should have to turn in my literature degree after having seen it.

  • The main character, the female, is named Julie…
  • The zombie love interest can’t remember his name, but knows it started with an “R”.
  • Her ex boyfriend is named Parry…
  • Her confidant, and best friend, is Nora… Who wants to be a Nurse…
  • These are two young people from two warring groups who just want to be together…

IT TOOK ME UNTIL THE BALCONY SCENE FOR IT TO CLICK!

Even before my conscious self figured it out (I felt so dumb) I kept thinking that R’s best friend zombie looked like his name should be Mark, or something.  Cause I was thinking about Mercutio.

Anyway, this movie was fun as hell, and while I was slightly worried about my Zombie Nut side ruining the experience wmb2for me, she was fairly quiet.  It had an enjoyable plot, as it was a really neat spin on the age-old Romeo and Juliet story.

It is a great movie for you gents to take your girls to on Valentine’s Day.  Lovey-dovey enough to make her happy, zombie shooting to keep you entertained!